Tuesday, April 21, 2009

100 ways to kill Kasab

Last week, I was surprised to read the article in the Times of India about the claim by the lawyer of Mohammed Ajmal Kasab, who was involved in the 2.36363636 (26/11) attack, that he should be tried in the juvenile court.

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/Kasabs-claim-of-being-juvenile-dismissed-by-court/articleshow/4413081.cms

I am not sure why we take these matters to the court of law. When there is so much of evidence with us, why can’t we prosecute him directly and hang him without any trial? Or at least the process should be much quicker. I am sure this case would go on for a long time (10 years or may be more). Once the judgment is passed in the court, he would file a clemency petition with the President of India and the pseudo secular parties would support the same. Or Al-Qaeda would hijack a plane from India and demand the release of Kasab.

We all know that we cannot hang or punish to Kasab by following a democratic process. Let us try to find out some funny ways to kill him.

1) Since he has claimed that he should be treated as juvenile, the jail authorities should provide him only lactogen or cerelac 3 or 4 times a day. No other food item should be provided to him.

2) We can ask him to participate in bungee jumping event in Bangalore. There is high possibility that he might plunge to death as the harness could snap.

3) We can put him in a cage and collect money from people (nominal amount only) to throw slippers on him. That way the government can earn revenue and eventually he would die. At least we all would be happy that we have a role in it ;).

4) He can be asked to configure India localization modules of Oracle applications (that’s enough to kill him I guess). If that’s not sufficient, he can be asked to do work for reconciliation (read it as ‘R’) of differences between the modules. Working for ‘R’ he would certainly commit suicide.

5) He should be made as a personal assistant to M Karunanidhi (CM of Tamil Nadu). Then he should be asked to defend MK’s various statements and views on LTTE to the press. The press reporters would get frustrated and kill him probably….

Hey guys….y don’t u suggest 95 other ways of killing kasab. You can include it as a part of the comment.

Hasta la vista.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Puppet dance by MMS

Hey! This post has nothing to do with Multimedia messaging service. It’s about Man Mohan Singh (MMS) the greatest puppet of modern times.

I have very high regards for Mr. Manmohan Singh as an individual and as an ex-finance minister (for his role in opening up the Indian economy in the early 1990’s), but not as the current Prime Minister of India. Most of us are aware that Advani challenged MMS for a debate in the television and MMS shied away from the debate. The funniest part was he accepted that he cannot match Advani in public debate. I felt that MMS was a few bricks short of a load.

To make this post interesting, let us assume that this challenge for the public debate is accepted by MMS and that Madam Sonia Gandhi sends the answers by email to MMS so that he can read it out. And Rajdeep Sardesai is the mediator for this debate.

Question 1
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Advani – MMSJI, First of all let us discuss about terrorism. You have accepted publicly that your government has not been successful in warding off the terror attacks. Is it not one of the major failures of your government?

The live debate is being watched by the congress people also. There Sonia instructs some people to prepare the answers and send a mail to MMS.

MMS in a debilitated tone replies (after reading the reply by Sonia)....Congress government always stands for secularism. We are not communal party. Communal parties are the real threat to the country. Hence we thought we would not concentrate on terrorism.

Question 2
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Advani – Sounds funny MMSJI, Ok. Lets talk about secularism then. Lets talk about the clean chit given to Jagdish Tytler by the CBI and the consequences. Chidambaram would have almost been hit by a shoe. Subsequently Tytler has apologized to the Sikh community. He has been denied ticket by congress. Why did Tytler apologize if he is innocent? Did it not prove that he is guilty and congress is shielding someone who killed lots of innocent Sikhs? Is this secularism?

Meanwhile Lallu joins Sonia’s team and sends a mail without their knowledge to MMS.

Poor puppet reads the message. “We are bothered only about Muslims because we know that we will get 18% of the votes. In our country secularism means giving protection to the Minority religion for getting their votes. But who demolished Bajri Masjid?”

Question 3
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Advani – It was the congress government which was ruling India, and Narashimha Rao was the Prime minister when Babri Masjid was demolished. It was being covered by the press, TV crews etc. Don’t you think you could have avoided the demolition of Babri Masjid? Is it not the failure of Congress party?

Meanwhile Mulayam joins Sonia’s team and sends a mail without their knowledge to MMS.
Puppet reads the message again. “All the Television coverage was in English at that time. Hence we could not understand. That is the reason why we want English language to be abolished in India.”


Question 4
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Advani – It seems you are reading the answers from the mails which are coming to you. This is why I mentioned that you are the weakest prime minister. However Pranabji (the joker) said India does not need wrestler as prime minister. Don’t you have people who can understand the context in which it has been said?

The computer in front of MMS crashes at that time. MMS was not sure how to respond, and starts crying like a baby thinking what would Sonia Gandhi say about this fiasco.

Meanwhile Rajdeep sardesai sensing that he has to defend congress some how, completes the debate by saying “You can see only women crying in Public. Now Mr.Manmohan Singh, by crying before the public has proved that he could also cry, thereby proving that he is really brave and strong”.

Monday, April 6, 2009

A figment of my imagination

So far, all my posts in this blog (except the first one) have a serious tone. Hence I thought I would take up a serious topic and put it in a funny perspective. You may consider this as a mordant satire or thigh-slapper depending on your ability to take the joke (esp. if you are at the receiving end)

Imagine Arjun singh is appointed as the sports minister in the central government. Also assume that a world sports committee is formed and he becomes the head of that committee, with extraordinary powers. Now he has to prove himself!! What would he do? He does not know anything beyond reservation. So he decides to introduce reservation in the global sporting events. Not only does he include reservation, but also he changes the rules of the game so that the backward communities are given a fair chance at these events.

Olympics – Athletics 100 meters for men. – Our reserved candidates compete with the world record holders like Usain Bolt and Asafa powell. The race begins and Usain Bolt comes first in the race in 9.62 seconds. That’s a world record!!! But it is decided that the reserved candidate would be provided the gold medal because the rules say that a reserved candidate needs to run only for 33 meters in the 100 meters race. And the reserved candidate has completed the 33 meters in 9.61 seconds. Hence the reserved candidate is very happy. India winning first gold medal in the athletic events in Olympics triggers celebration throughout India. Also there were representations from many more communities that the minimum of 33 meters should be reduced to 10 meters for their caste. Arjun singh and congress, being champions of the under privileged promised that they would bring in this change after the elections.

Tennis – The rules of tennis are amended to include the provisions for the affirmative action. Persons participating in the reserved category need not hit the ball to the other side of the court. The reserved category players can hit the ball anywhere. A big line is drawn outside the stadium, within which the reserved category players are allowed to hit. The first match was between Nadal and a reserved category player. Nadal had to run all around the stadium, sometimes he has to jump into the audience to hit the ball. Finally nadal tries to hit a shot by running to the top most point in the stadium and has a near fatal fall from there.

Football – In foot ball the rules were amended to include self goals by the reserved category members of the team. This makes it very difficult for opponent teams, because they have to defend their goal posts in addition to defending the opponent’s goal posts when the reserved category members try to score self goal.

Eventually, people stopped watching sports channels as they were sure the reserved category would be declared the winners.

The above story is just to emphasize that successive governments in India have been cheating the general public with reservation politics. If they are genuinely interested in the well being of the people, they would have provided proper education to all the people.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Grass is greener

In this fast paced world where people spend 4 hrs a day (sometimes even more) commuting between office and home, rarely our mind is in a state to be happy. Added to this there are a lot of irritants at office place which annoys us. Where do we find time to be happy?

How do we define happiness? How to identify its source?

Would we be happy if we have more money? After all we all work so hard to earn money. We try to be proactive, work hard at office place to get more increments, bonuses etc. Still we do not get satisfied when we get the money. For most people, apparently, happiness lies not in the absolute amount of "rewards" you have, but in whether or not you have more or less than others. So, happiness is relative. This also proves that money / wealth do not necessarily bring happiness.

One morning I went out of the clients place to have tea. One of my colleagues who accompanied me saw a beggar in the platform having sound sleep. He made a comment that his life was worse compared to that beggar who was happily sleeping at that time of the day without any worries. But, what he failed to notice was that, the beggar did not have a place to sleep. He was sleeping in that hot sun. Probably he was unconscious!!

On another occasion, when I was having lunch with our colleagues, the discussion came up regarding the public sector and the private sector jobs. This being a season of recession there was almost unanimous view on the table that the public sector jobs are the best because it’s the safest. What they failed to consider is the troubles which a person has to undergo in the public sector. People get riled up with the red-tapism associated with the public sector jobs.

Both the examples cited above have a common element in it. People looked at the positive aspect of other people’s life and felt that they are worse compared to them. The grass is always greener on the other side.

If you look at the other people’s lives from your point of view, it would always look better. If you put yourself in their shoes, you might take a different view. May be the grass would look green on your side.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Unfulfilled promises

It is said “Democracy substitutes election by the incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.”

How true!! In 2004 the congress government was very lucky to come to power. In spite of good governance over a period of 5 years, BJP could not manage to win because of electoral reverses in a few states. The congress and our journalists misinterpreted the verdict thinking that the aam aadmi politics had paid dividends. Also the aam aadmi misinterpreted the politicians thinking that they would do something to them.

The congress government had a common minimum program which was supposed to be aam aadmi friendly. How many of the points in the common minimum program were executed properly? There are failures everywhere…..To name a few

1. Though the inflation is very low as of today, the prices of essential items have soared like anything. Prices of vegetables have sky rocketed. Other items like oil etc have gone beyond the reach of middle class. And this government promised that they will do many thing for the aam aadmi. Instead they have made life difficult for them.
2. Congress government has always been the root cause of all the scams. Right from Harshad methas security scam to the satyam episode, they have left their footprints everywhere.
3. National rural employment guarantee scheme (NREGS)which is one of the key points in the CMP is the biggest failure. Congress government had provided 15000+ crores as budgetary support. And many of the farmers do not even know the name of the scheme. Leave alone whether they received the money or not.
4. There have been several security lapses in the country. Innumerable bomb blasts had happened. We had an incompetent home minister who did not bother to even change the statements that he makes after the bomb blasts. Do I need to mention about Mumbai blasts? Enough has been written about this point, even in my blog.
5. Even the left parties which supported this government from outside had mentioned that the policies of this government were aimed at enriching the rich people.

We should realize that we have been fooled by the congress party for the past 5 years. At least in the 2009 election we should try to ensure that this government does not come to power.

India being a democratic country gives its citizens a carte blanche in the form of voting rights. Whether we exercise this right properly or not will decide the fate of our future.

Jai hind…..

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Living on the edge

Fundamentalist religion is one, that when confronted with a conflict between love, compassion and caring, and conformity to doctrine, will almost invariably choose the latter regardless of the effect it has on its followers or on the society of which it is a part.

Islamic followers have always upheld fundamentalist ideals. Taliban is not an exception. In fact they can be categorized as extreme fundamentalists.

The recent peace deal between the Pakistan government and the Taliban would put our country in a dangerous state, as we are precariously situated very close to the region of terror.

Nowhere in the world would the peace agreement between two warring factions (I believe Pakistan government is a minor faction now in that country, it does not control a major part of Pakistan anymore), be viewed with so much of skepticism. There are reports that a huge amount of money has been paid to Taliban for making them agree to the ceasefire. (http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/World/Pak-paid-6m-for-Taliban-ceasefire/articleshow/4192559.cms). What would Taliban do with that money? Well, It’s a no-brainer.

The Mumbai attacks and the inability of India to force Pakistan to even accept that the terrorist attacks were planned in Pakistan has brought into light how inefficient we are in taking action on a state which perpetrates terror on us.

United States and its western allies, in spite of being the targets / victims of the terror attacks, could do nothing to identify the source or take action on the nation from which it has been perpetrated. I wonder whether US is left with the horrible feeling now that war settles nothing; that to win a war is as disastrous as to lose one. Or is it more worried about the Nuclear power going into the hands of rogue organizations like Taliban?

Since the world is incapable of dealing with Pakistan in an effective way, it is in India’s interest to defend its territories and be prepared for any offensive from Pakistan or Taliban. In fact, it would not be wrong to target the militant training camps in the PoK and the Pakistan region. When Pakistan can claim that it is not involved in the Mumbai terror attacks, we can also claim that we did not attack the terror camps in Pakistan. We just need to give some contradictory statements or the other on a daily basis. That would ensure that the world would stop asking us as to why we attacked Pakistan.

India should take proactive measures to defend itself from Taliban and Pakistan. If Taliban starts controlling Pakistan, we would have to face an enemy who would not think twice before using their nuclear arsenal.

“Nothing in the world is more dangerous than a sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.”

Friday, February 13, 2009

Pub culture and Pink panties

If you are a smart businessman, you can do two things at this time. Start a website, which would deliver pink panties to Pramod Muthalik or say that you are from Ram sena and ask women to deliver pink panties to your house and later sell it. Or you could do both.

On a serious note, Muthalik does not want pub culture in India, especially women going to pubs. I don’t understand his logic? Culture, is not a static. It evolves. It is not in our culture, to wear pants and shirts, to build high rise buildings, to play cricket etc etc. But we have adopted all these. Either we were forced to adopt, or we did it voluntarily. But these have become a part of our culture. On the contrary, beating women is also not in our culture. But he prefers to follow that. Funny, is it not?

People like Muthalik and Raj thackearay (I don’t want to Google and spell his name correctly…..It was not worth it), just want to be in the limelight. Hence they make such statements. Who would have known Muthalik if he had not done such things to women in the Mangalore pub? Its one thing whether you want women to go to pub or not. But it is not fair enough to beat them when they go to pubs. If he wants to really curb this culture, he should have taken measures to go and demolish all the pubs in the country. Does he have the guts to do that?

Women in our country are also not far behind Muthalik. They have started pink chaddi campaign to send pink chaddi to Muthalik. (http://thepinkchaddicampaign.blogspot.com). I do not know what purpose this would serve. If I am in his position, I would have welcomed this move. I would have collected all pink panties and give it for auction. It would fetch far more money in sotheby’s if given for auction.

Our country has far more numerous issues to tackle. Pub culture and pink panties are the least of all the headaches. But we all need some entertainment in our fast paced lives. So let’s sit, relax, watch and enjoy all these nonsense.

Happy Valentines day.